In celebration of the United Nations International Day of Families on 15 May, we wanted to shine a light on the many diverse families across RELX. Coming from a ‘different’ family myself, I am always intrigued to hear other people’s story. I was adopted from East China at 6 months old by an English mother and English father from Southeast London. They already had my older sister, a biological daughter, age 9, after going through many IVF treatments. My birth parents remain unknown to me to this day. People always ask me whether I would like to find them, but to me, the mum and dad I call parents every day, are the only ‘parents’ I have. They raised me and made me the person I am today. They gave me their unconditional love. To me, that is what makes a parent, regardless of their DNA: a person who brings up and cares for another.
The International Day of Families provides an opportunity to raise awareness of issues faced by families throughout the world and to increase knowledge about the social, economic and demographic processes that affect them. Every family experiences difficulty and hardship along the way, but when growing up in a 'different' family, which does not follow social norms, it can be particularly tough. Let’s hear from some of our colleagues who talk about such difficulties as they tell us about their families and what makes them so unique.
[faem(e)li] noun - Family is the basic unit of society. Families come in many different shapes, sizes and colours and can be defined in many ways. It can be defined as ‘a group of people who live together and are related to one another’ or ‘a group of people who care about each other because they have a close relationship or shared interest.’ There is no definitive answer.
Some families are created in different ways but are still in every way a family.
FOSTERING AND ADOPTED FAMILIES
Shirin Easson, Assistant Facilities Manager, RELX
I have two known older sisters, an older half-brother and more other half siblings, but the number is unknown. From a very young age I was split-up from my two older sisters. They went with one set of foster parents and I with another. Amazingly, we were all adopted together in the end. My sisters and I have always known that we were adopted and tried to understand our story. Thanks to a social worker, we learnt a little about our background. My birth dad is Moroccan and my birth mother Welsh, but we were born in Hammersmith, London and adopted by a Scottish father and English mother. I think being a diverse family was initially difficult. There were two couples previously who wished to adopt us, and neither was a first choice due to our heritage.
Having met my birth dad and visited his home a few times, I realised very swiftly that if I had not been adopted, I simply would not have had any of the amazing opportunities my parents afforded us. From a young age, I excelled at the cello and was very fortunate and blessed to have attended Junior Trinity. For various reasons I opted not to pursue a musical career, but this specialist tutoring enabled me to hone my talent and travel with an orchestra to some of the UK’s major concert halls and further afield to Syria, Greece and Denmark. I think music has played a key role in my development and my family have always been supportive. Studies have shown that music in the early years helps to strengthen the connection between the body and the brain and I am the first to acknowledge that.
I simply would not be who I am today if I had not been adopted or had the start in life given to me by my foster family who I still stay in contact with.
Here are some lessons I have learnt along the way:
- Resilience and spirit – Lots of my friends would describe my life as a soap-opera. Going from one crisis to another is exhausting, but it has meant I have learnt to be very resilient. As we all face challenges personally and professionally, I can draw upon a wide variety of experiences to enable me to navigate any circumstance I face.
- Being welcoming – The little things can make a huge difference to another person. My parents have always been there to help and welcome others and this is something that I have tried to emulate. Life is short and we only have one go at it, and in whatever I do I always try to follow a giving nature.
- Share your story - Everyone has a story to tell. When I was growing up, adoption was at times and is still a taboo subject. Back in 1998 the BBC approached us and Adoption UK to tell our story. The feedback was overwhelming. Many families were in the same predicament; feeling isolated and that they were failures. This insight gave hope and a way for families in similar situations to connect. This openness has taught me that you can give hope to others by shining a light on very important topics that need to be discussed.
I think there are many challenges that as a family we have had to overcome, but the root cause would stem from very early childhood trauma and attachment disorder due to the upheaval during our formative years. I believe I was more fortunate than my two sisters as I was a newborn so managed to have an attachment bond with my foster parents. During my teenage years my parents had to make the difficult decision to place one of my sisters into care due to the direct threat to me. Unfortunately, this sister continued to have struggles which needed constant supervision. I needed to be on call at any given time, a huge challenge and responsibility. This challenge is no longer an immediate consideration, but it has prepared me to face any future challenges that may follow.
Three words I would use to describe my family: Loving, complicated, accepting.
MULTI-GENERATIONAL FAMILIES
Deanara Robertson, Senior Technical Writer, Business Services, Risk
After my mother passed away in 2020, my ten-year-old son and I moved to my home state of Wyoming, United States, to live with and care for my 74-year-old father who suffers from uncontrollable tremors in his hands and arms. It is unusual in this part of the world to have a multigenerational family in the same household, but I’ve found the benefits outweigh any detriments.
I have been a single mum for most of my son’s life, and although caring for my father adds to my workload, my dad’s presence in our lives gives us the benefit of learning from and associating with a generation that is different from each of our own.
Having both my dad and my son as immediate family has taught me to make more time to do things with them because too soon my son will be grown and my dad will be gone; we don’t have time for 'someday', the time is now.
In addition to this increased sensitivity to work-life balance, I’ve learned to switch roles from daughter to caregiver as the situation directs, and how to maintain my dad’s dignity while providing support. This experience has helped me to become more sensitive to others and the different roles they play both in their personal and professional lives, as well as how I can best support them and meet them where they are. Due to the area where we live and the nontraditional structure of my family, I’d describe us as resilient, patient, and grateful.
SINGLE PARENT FAMILIES
Kirsty Butcher, Head of Salesforce Strategy, Risk
My family is unique and special as it’s my family. I am the proud mum of two boys, Jack, age 18 and Sam age 14. Since a young age it has been the three of us juggling everyday life, with amazing support from family, friends and childminders. I have always worked full time and with this came the ‘mum guilt’ of missing out on things, being exhausted in the evenings, and having to answer the question, “why can’t we be with you after school?”
However, while it has been incredibly hard at times, with tears from all of us on many occasions, being able to be a mum and work has been the right solution for us as a family. I have said many a time, I will always be a mum wherever I am but when I am at work, I am also Kirsty. Keeping that separate identity was key to me.
It's been important to realise a balance and I have been fortunate to have supportive colleagues throughout my 21 years at LexisNexis Risk Solutions, to allow me to be the best mum I can be while also being able to build my career. The boys have taught me patience – trust me when I say that it was pushed to the max at times but knowing that their love for you is unconditional and they lash out at the person they are closest to keeps you going. No matter what happened during the day, they never went to bed without a kiss and me telling them I love them.
As they have grown up our relationship has developed, and I love when they get in from being with friends and they want to tell me funny things that have happened. They know they can tell me anything, even if it might not be what I want to hear, and I will support them. They have learnt to appreciate the reasons why I work, and this has been an important dynamic change. They know that I have a good career and have both said they want to work here when the time comes. The pandemic, while hard for them to have missed out on so much, has also allowed for a much happier household. The stress of commuting, not being able to drop off and pick up from school has all gone and I feel I now have a much better home and work life balance.
Throughout the 18 years of being a mum there have been more challenges than I care to remember but each and every one of them has shaped who we are today.
To finish, how do I describe my family: Mine, amazing, my world.
BLENDED FAMILIES
Helena Svanfeldt, Procurement Manager, Global Procurement, RELX
As a Swedish national, living and working in the Netherlands, my family here is small. It consists of myself, my son Max, and our adopted dog Irma. Max was born here, and I am co-parenting with his British father and new family. In addition to having two loving homes, Max also has a wonderful Dutch stepmother, an extra set of grandparents, as well as two super cute siblings, and of course, he is now trilingual. Our relatives live in Sweden and the UK.
By working out the co-parenting set up with Max’s father, I’ve learnt the importance of teamwork and flexibility. Since we’ve never had family members here to support, or celebrate all various life changes with, I think we’ve both become very supportive and appreciative of one another.
To me a family is a support network where you always belong and feel welcome. After 20 years abroad, I have realised that family goes and grows beyond the conventional view of what a family is.
Whereas Max, myself and our dog is a family, I feel that I also have a "work family" a "friend family" and have somehow gained an extended family this way. Initially, we had more frequent contact with family members back home. Although, this has become a little less over time as we all seem to get absorbed by life in general. We tend to FaceTime and communicate via WhatsApp mostly, and fly home to meet everyone once or twice per year. Since my parents are aging, fast so it seems, it can be hard at times not being able to see each other, so when we finally do travel home to spend time with family, then that is what we do. Spend time together, eat, laugh, and catch up.
The Covid-19 lockdown period was, as for many, difficult for us. We were unable to visit my father who got severely ill. We could also not attend my sister’s wedding and I celebrated my 40th birthday, more or less, in isolation. FaceTime does help to some extent, but there are times you just want to be with your loved ones in person.
Three words I would use to describe my family: Warm, supporting, and fun-loving.
NO CHILD FAMILIES
Carlos Estevez, Research Management, Customer Consultant, Elsevier
We are a DINK, double income, no kids’ family in Latin America. We are both Scientists, a Chemist with Ph.D. in Biology and a Biologist with Ph.D. studies in Computer Science. Because it is just the two of us, understanding one another and each other’s goals is crucial. We only have personal or couple development goals to take care of, so we always support each other, advise each other, and encourage each other.
We have faced some difficult times. Completing our Ph.D.’s was an immense challenge for us, as we had a few communication issues. However, we have learnt that it is important to change the way of the relationship.
We understand that some things get easier, and other things are still a matter of work; it is a long-term project.
But, in some instances, you know the other person exactly and know how they think. Three key lessons we have learnt: living alone is very difficult, patience and communication are essential and that we all carry burdens derivate from our parents and childhood. Regardless, it is important to understand, grow and move forward.
Three words to describe my family: Nerds, foodies, cozies.
FOSTERING AND ADOPTED FAMILIES
Graham Young, Head of Sales Operations and Delivery, Insurance, Risk
In early married life, my wife and I made the conscious decision not to try for children until we felt we had established our life and could afford children in terms of time and money. When we reached that point several things happened which meant we could not physically have children.
An advertisement by the local council in the local paper enticed us to investigate fostering. We registered interest and that progressed to the point of meeting a potential short term foster child. This was an interesting but challenging experience, and we did some very quick thinking and had some hard discussions before sharing with the fostering agency that we felt we couldn’t commit to fostering as the nature of it seemed too temporary and we felt the transient nature was not something we could handle.
The agency obviously thought we had something to offer so suggested that adoption may well be a better option. Long story short we applied, went through a couple of years of vetting and education before being approved and matched. We adopted a sibling group brother and sister at five and six years old in 1992. They moved in with us two weeks after we first met them at their foster home due to complexities in their extended birth family situation. Then started a very interesting journey which contains many stories, with much laughter and many tears, achievements and challenges, and lots of things that we would never ever have experienced otherwise.
We have had to overcome many challenges as a family. Educational psychologists, finding and talking to specialists, permanent exclusion from school, education from home, a fairly close relationship with the local police force, rekindling relationships with social services after grandchildren arrived, many partners from many backgrounds, supporting some of them after their relationships finished with our children, support for the vulnerable and mental disabilities that are not immediately visible to others.
However, this has allowed me to learn lessons along the way. I am now able to accept different perspectives and to work to find outcomes acceptable to all points of view. I have learnt that remaining calm achieves more than showing anger, being fair does not necessarily mean doing exactly the same every time for everyone and taking a consistent and dependable approach creates an environment that all understand and can work within. Also, boundaries are essential. They need to be clearly defined and communicated fully. Everything will work out – but not necessarily how you thought it would.
Life has never been dull, and never been predictable other than to know almost every day something strange and unexpected was likely to happen and still does 30 years later.
Safe to say, having a challenging job, working with great people and great managers for a truly supportive company has been critical to surviving, financially and staying in good physical and mental health.
The current family picture is living as a married couple, one child with a partner and toddler who lives in social housing less than a mile away and has had his first child adopted away from the family prior to his current relationship. The other child is a single mother living in council rental property less than two miles away and has four children by four different fathers of four different heritages.
Relationships in the family are forever changing, never knowing from one day to the next. It can go from full on contact many times a day to radio silence for weeks, or from factual communication to no communication to cryptic communication. Or even from easy going and loving, to disrespectful and abusive in an instant. Despite all this the grandchildren seem to be progressing through the normal growing up phases in a similar way to their peers. Contact with the grandchildren is frequent and positive with many moments to be proud of.
Three words to describe my family: Diverse, dramatic, exhausting.
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